What Not to Get Your Dog for Christmas!

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  [The following is an excerpt from "Doggone Funny:  A Book of Canine Humor" by Sandy Lindsey, reprinted with permission from the author.  If you enjoy this piece, you can order it by calling 1-800-553-2061 or go to her website.  To subscribe to the free monthly e-mail "Sandy Lindsey Humor Newsletter," simply send your e-mail address to selectfl@ix.netcom.com.]

1.  A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

2.  A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

3.  A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

4.  Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small closet-sized area in your house.

5.  Anything Garfield.

6.  A remote control for the refrigerator door.

7.  A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle.

8.  A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.

9.  Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you.

10.  A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year.

11.  A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

12.  An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight.

13.  A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.

14.  His own Petsmart credit card.

15.  A cat.

   
 
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Last modified: April 19, 2012